Pregnancy... so far.

I feel like I am doing well. I had the sickness, the nausea, the headaches, and where everything I smelt made me feel funny. Then the body changes started and physically I started to feel better, However, the emotional flood gates opened. I started thinking horrible things about my changing body and how I would never be a good mom to this baby growing inside me. It was a loosing battle and I was forcing myself to be on both sides. The side that loved and wanted baby to be growing strong and healthy and the side that I hated myself for getting fat. I would get angry at myself for not approving of the changes and then get angry for telling myself I would never be enough. I was having all these feelings of joy, hate, love and anger and they were tearing me up inside. 

Now I have mini episodes of the physical and I remind myself daily of positive things to keep the emotional (and quite frankly crazy) side down to a minimal. I am still emotional and cry at every Facebook video or hallmark commercial but let's be real I did that before I got pregnant too. I can now look at myself and say nice things and my inner talk has lightened. I am working on being one of "those" pregnant women. You know the ones who are comepletely zen, meditate and work out for at least an hour a day... (I'm at 20 minutes of yoga so let's see if I can keep that up.) I never knew that this would be such a struggle. I thought I would be able to handle it all with grace and positivity but I didn't. I had an idealistic and unrealistic view of pregnancy. 

In no way am I saying that I can't start now, I am saying I'm changing the pattern I created. 

For next time-  I'm going to make a dream board and a positive affirmation board. I'm going to make sure I get out of bed and shower and put clean clothes on. I'm going to look in the mirror and say positive things. I'm going to put my goals up where I can see them. I've always known that I am a visual person and need those visual reminders to stay on task so next time I'm going to make sure those are in place. 

For now I'm making a list of all the things I can do to make me happy. Every day I do one or more of them to keep me being positive. I am finding that having a morning routine goes a really long way. On those days I'm relaxed and even if something pops up unexpectedly I am not reactive. I take care of it and move on. 

I am also aware that my feelings get hurt EASILY. I wasn't realizing how much so until I had a few run ins with people on Facebook saying harmless things and me getting so hurt I cried. I am recognizing that I can stay away from certain interactions that I know will make my tender prego heart sad. I feel a little pathetic and weird for saying that but I can not ignore a consistent pattern of my reactions and let it keep happening. Especially when it is affecting other people negatively.  

All in all I have enjoyed this process. I think I will enjoy this second half more now that I'm aware of the extra flood of hormones I'm dealing with. It does help that now I can feel my little man kicking me more and more. It is making this whole being pregnant thing more real and not just annoying symptoms with no reward. 

So pregnancy.... it really is a crash course in loving yourself.